Wednesday, 19 March 2008
Thursday, 13 March 2008
Its Not Really Happening Is It?
Dont know if anyone else has noticed this, maybe it just applies to me and my mates, but with any kind of project, the amount of time spent talking about it in the pub is directly inversely proportional to the chances of it actually ever happening.
The more someone sits there talking about thier plans, the less chance there is of anything actually happening. And I dont mean they shouldnt actually be in the pub they should be spending that time doing it, although that is a factor i suppose, thats not the point. The fact is if you are banging on about it to anyone who will listen, the next day it will be almost impossible to actually get down to it. You feel like youve already done it, the excitement has gone, youve shot your bolt. Youve burned the energy away on it and the moment has passed, its already out there, in the ether, its gone.
No, just shut up about it apart from a carefuly chosen semi cryptic remark or two perhaps, just to sound it out and gauge the possible reception that whatever it is can expect, just keep the cork on the bottle till you sit down and start work on it with a full head of steam. Perhaps too many similes there but you get the idea.
I mean if id gone on about doing this blog in the pub it definately would never have happened, and where would all you thousands of readers be then.
The more someone sits there talking about thier plans, the less chance there is of anything actually happening. And I dont mean they shouldnt actually be in the pub they should be spending that time doing it, although that is a factor i suppose, thats not the point. The fact is if you are banging on about it to anyone who will listen, the next day it will be almost impossible to actually get down to it. You feel like youve already done it, the excitement has gone, youve shot your bolt. Youve burned the energy away on it and the moment has passed, its already out there, in the ether, its gone.
No, just shut up about it apart from a carefuly chosen semi cryptic remark or two perhaps, just to sound it out and gauge the possible reception that whatever it is can expect, just keep the cork on the bottle till you sit down and start work on it with a full head of steam. Perhaps too many similes there but you get the idea.
I mean if id gone on about doing this blog in the pub it definately would never have happened, and where would all you thousands of readers be then.
Wednesday, 12 March 2008
The Black and White Minstrel Show
Why dont these white rasta blokes with dreadlocks just go the whole hog and black thier faces up with boot polish?
Trojan Horse
Another tip best utilised when moving into a new home - how to get Sky Sports past her spendthrift (when it suits her) 'we cant afford that its too expensive / i bought these new shoes they were only £85 in the sale i saved £25%' mind games. First of all you must create the impression that the area is a freeview bad reception zone, which lets face it is half the country. Try putting your mobile phone next to the freeview box when turning it on if you actually dont happen to be in a Freeview free zone, that should run a nice static through it. Then the argument that Sky's £70 one off payment for installation is cheaper and easier than putting up a new 600 ft aerial is robustly convincing. Then, stage three, once youve got the trojan horse through the door there are basically 400,000 channels and she wont know whats going on, what youre paying for and what your not, if you make sure the bills in your name of course (unless you're one of these strange creepy 'we open each others letters' couples that is- ugh) so its time to turn on the big tap labelled FOOTIE. Then Bobs your Uncle (Bobin that is, David Bobin, Sky Sports Presentation Legend), its on, your watching it, all argument is futile.
Monday, 10 March 2008
Achilles Heel
Sandals on men are obscene. Mens feet are not designed to be looked at in polite company, they are hideous. No one wants to see them, they will frighten children and put people off thier food. I mean you may as well walk round with your bollocks hanging out. Unless you happen to a gladiator at the height of the roman empire - dont do it.
Wednesday, 27 February 2008
Tip One -All the Precedents Men
There follows an excellent tip for all you cohabitee chaps in your never ending time and space territory wars. It is worthwhile remembering that when for instance you pop out to get a takeaway for dinner on a Saturday night, if you are making a first visit to this particular curry house or whatever, perhaps you are new to the area or something, you are Setting a Precedent.
If you want to rush down there, stand drumming your fingers on the counter while they prepare your meal to ensure your tikka masala is speedily knocked together, fine. Then it will been registered and forever stored away in the missus' mind that this trip takes no more than half an hour. My advice however would be to place your order, ask for an ETA, saunter across the road to the pub, enjoy a couple of pints and 20-30 minutes interface with the barmaid, and then pick up your meal and back home.
Now, you see, you have established a say, up to an hour or so timeframe for this activity forever and you have bought yourself some well deserved R&R for the forthcoming years that would otherwise have at best raised a cold eyebrow, at worst been stored away and added to The List (the overdraft of percieved moral debt that you have no doubt already accumulated which with most men, if it were a monetary thing, after about the two year mark of cohabitude would have probably exceeded the negative balance of your mortgage and after the five year mark would be rivaling the third worlds debt to the international bank).
And the beauty of all this is of course, that once you have mastered this principle with the take away thing, you can start applying it to other areas of married life and watch your pub time and overall quality of life accumulate.
If you want to rush down there, stand drumming your fingers on the counter while they prepare your meal to ensure your tikka masala is speedily knocked together, fine. Then it will been registered and forever stored away in the missus' mind that this trip takes no more than half an hour. My advice however would be to place your order, ask for an ETA, saunter across the road to the pub, enjoy a couple of pints and 20-30 minutes interface with the barmaid, and then pick up your meal and back home.
Now, you see, you have established a say, up to an hour or so timeframe for this activity forever and you have bought yourself some well deserved R&R for the forthcoming years that would otherwise have at best raised a cold eyebrow, at worst been stored away and added to The List (the overdraft of percieved moral debt that you have no doubt already accumulated which with most men, if it were a monetary thing, after about the two year mark of cohabitude would have probably exceeded the negative balance of your mortgage and after the five year mark would be rivaling the third worlds debt to the international bank).
And the beauty of all this is of course, that once you have mastered this principle with the take away thing, you can start applying it to other areas of married life and watch your pub time and overall quality of life accumulate.
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