PS..and another thing

Why is it whenever I go to the airport its clogged up by the same people who protested about the new terminal, a bunch of nouveau hippies all scorching up the carbon as they fly off back to Goa. To balance up the karma maybe they could save a few animals by donating thier own sun leathered hides to make boots and handbags instead.

Green: the colour of hypocrisy

Why is that these people who bang on about green issues seem to be amongst the worst culprits. Global warming and all that is purely down to western levels of consumption. The type of people who drone on and on about it tend to be the very ones who adore the idea of consumption themselves, as full on gas guzzling mall dwelling yummy mummy and designer daddy lifestyle luvvie consumers. They go on and on about these problems while conveniently ignoring the fact that they are the problem, defining themselves with thier choice of mass produced products. If you want to do something about it then stop being the ideal capitalist consumer obsessed by the kind of idea of 'style' thats sold to you by TV and magazines.

Isnt actually the bloke who just walks down his simple brilliant crap local pub every night, who wears the same simple brilliant crap clothes for years and just eats simple brilliant crap seasonal british food like potatoes and parsnips and sprouts and bacon and is perfectly happy with a pint of simple brilliant crap english lager or bitter and a simple brilliant crap english pub conversation for entertainment, isnt he, doing what weve quietly done for centuries, far more eco friendly?

So if you want to waffle on about it green issues fine, travel by bus and train, forget about 'labels' and 'designers', buy mainly second hand clothes, become mainly a vegetarian, do without a million cleaning and grooming products, eat food from this country, wash your dishes and clothes without a machine, buy milk and juice in bottles not cartons, do without other disposable products like disposable nappies for instance, stop buying newspapers like the Guardian with its whole forest full of supplements, shop at places you can walk to, only eat food that your great grandmother would have eaten, start your own allotment and yes that does mean virtually becoming a hippy. If you cant bring yourself to try and do most of that you should really just shut the fuck up.

dawn of the dead

I spent twenty five minutes gazing at a power cleaner in Homebase on bank holiday monday. Its all over for me now isn't it.

Random Rant of the Day: The Panel on X Factor; The People Who Destroyed British Pop

Why are we expected to listen to the opinions on pop music of the people who, far from doing any good work in the British pop industry have almost actually destroyed it, done thier best to drag it back from the heights of the Beatles, Stones, Bowie, Punk, New Romantics, Rave, even Britpop etc, which sold all over the globe and made British youth culture world famous , back to the dreadful days of the 1950s tawdry manufactured show biz tat which no one abroad gives a toss about, of course, why should they, when they have thier own manufactured banal pap to contend with.

Sorry about the longest sentence in the world, a natural side effect of the act of ranting.

Thursday

Thought some more about what to write in new blog. Realised that it was perhaps a good idea to HAVE A LIFE SO THAT I HAD SOMETHING TO WRITE ABOUT in new blog. Went to the pub.

Wednesday

Thought some more about what to write in new blog. Looked at news on internet and emailed other people on social networking sites to discuss ideas for what to write in new blog.

Tuesday

Thought about what to write in next blog. Looked on internet at other blogs for ideas of things to write in next blog.

Monday:

Worked on new blog. Wrote new blog.

Its Not Really Happening Is It?

Dont know if anyone else has noticed this, maybe it just applies to me and my mates, but with any kind of project, the amount of time spent talking about it in the pub is directly inversely proportional to the chances of it actually ever happening.

The more someone sits there talking about thier plans, the less chance there is of anything actually happening. And I dont mean they shouldnt actually be in the pub they should be spending that time doing it, although that is a factor i suppose, thats not the point. The fact is if you are banging on about it to anyone who will listen, the next day it will be almost impossible to actually get down to it. You feel like youve already done it, the excitement has gone, youve shot your bolt. Youve burned the energy away on it and the moment has passed, its already out there, in the ether, its gone.

No, just shut up about it apart from a carefuly chosen semi cryptic remark or two perhaps, just to sound it out and gauge the possible reception that whatever it is can expect, just keep the cork on the bottle till you sit down and start work on it with a full head of steam. Perhaps too many similes there but you get the idea.

I mean if id gone on about doing this blog in the pub it definately would never have happened, and where would all you thousands of readers be then.

The Black and White Minstrel Show

Why dont these white rasta blokes with dreadlocks just go the whole hog and black thier faces up with boot polish?

Trojan Horse

Another tip best utilised when moving into a new home - how to get Sky Sports past her spendthrift (when it suits her) 'we cant afford that its too expensive / i bought these new shoes they were only £85 in the sale i saved £25%' mind games. First of all you must create the impression that the area is a freeview bad reception zone, which lets face it is half the country. Try putting your mobile phone next to the freeview box when turning it on if you actually dont happen to be in a Freeview free zone, that should run a nice static through it. Then the argument that Sky's £70 one off payment for installation is cheaper and easier than putting up a new 600 ft aerial is robustly convincing. Then, stage three, once youve got the trojan horse through the door there are basically 400,000 channels and she wont know whats going on, what youre paying for and what your not, if you make sure the bills in your name of course (unless you're one of these strange creepy 'we open each others letters' couples that is- ugh) so its time to turn on the big tap labelled FOOTIE. Then Bobs your Uncle (Bobin that is, David Bobin, Sky Sports Presentation Legend), its on, your watching it, all argument is futile.

Achilles Heel

Sandals on men are obscene. Mens feet are not designed to be looked at in polite company, they are hideous. No one wants to see them, they will frighten children and put people off thier food. I mean you may as well walk round with your bollocks hanging out. Unless you happen to a gladiator at the height of the roman empire - dont do it.

Tip One -All the Precedents Men

There follows an excellent tip for all you cohabitee chaps in your never ending time and space territory wars. It is worthwhile remembering that when for instance you pop out to get a takeaway for dinner on a Saturday night, if you are making a first visit to this particular curry house or whatever, perhaps you are new to the area or something, you are Setting a Precedent.

If you want to rush down there, stand drumming your fingers on the counter while they prepare your meal to ensure your tikka masala is speedily knocked together, fine. Then it will been registered and forever stored away in the missus' mind that this trip takes no more than half an hour. My advice however would be to place your order, ask for an ETA, saunter across the road to the pub, enjoy a couple of pints and 20-30 minutes interface with the barmaid, and then pick up your meal and back home.

Now, you see, you have established a say, up to an hour or so timeframe for this activity forever and you have bought yourself some well deserved R&R for the forthcoming years that would otherwise have at best raised a cold eyebrow, at worst been stored away and added to The List (the overdraft of percieved moral debt that you have no doubt already accumulated which with most men, if it were a monetary thing, after about the two year mark of cohabitude would have probably exceeded the negative balance of your mortgage and after the five year mark would be rivaling the third worlds debt to the international bank).

And the beauty of all this is of course, that once you have mastered this principle with the take away thing, you can start applying it to other areas of married life and watch your pub time and overall quality of life accumulate.